The Bucket List

“I suppose it’s like the ticking crocodile, isn’t it? Time is chasing after all of us.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

“We live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round.”
The Bucket List

“I don’t have a bucket list because it is my dedication to live every day of my life there. I don’t have a bucket list because I’m doing it that day. I don’t want to go to bed and say, ‘Oh, I wish I had done this.'”
Melissa Etheridge

We all know what a bucket list is. We fill this mythological bucket with all of the things we would like to do before we die. Most people continue to fill the bucket even though it is full without ever actually doing anything about it. Some people poke holes in their bucket, giving up on some of their dreams because they don’t seem attainable. The goal for everyone is the same however. Empty the bucket before having to kick said bucket.

Those who closely follow me have noticed that Brenda and I have been traveling to a lot of places and seeing a lot of interesting things. Some of my friends have even uttered out loud that it looks like I’m working on my own bucket list. My observant friends would be correct. I’ve done a pretty good job of emptying that old bucket too, although to be honest, mine was never that big. The reason for that being that I have done a lot of things throughout my life, not waiting until I received bad news. I owe a lot of this to my wonderful wife Brenda. Before we met, I had a very small circumference in which I traveled. Brenda taught me that there is a whole world out there and you should try new experiences. You never know what you may discover and actually like. I may have never traveled on a plane, a train, or an ocean liner and discovered the different lands and beautiful seas that cover this world of ours. It’s shown me even more how awesome my Creator is.

I guess what I’m trying to say is to not wait until you have too much on your list and not enough time to do them. Live now. Enjoy things to the fullest now. Make every moment special so that when that day does come, you won’t have a bucket list, but a treasure chest of memories.

A health update:
My last visit to Philly was about as expected. Some of my numbers moved a little, some a lot, and a few nearly doubled. In other words, I’m not getting better. The past couple of weeks have been a mixed bag. I’ve had some good days (which I am eternally grateful for), and some bad. I seem to be having more bad than good lately. I am continuously taking nausea meds as well as my pain meds for the sometimes sharp pains from my liver. Poor Mr. Liver….he’s put up a good fight but I’m not sure how much more he can handle. Subsequently, I will not be posting with the frequency that I had been. I have already started taking longer to post any updates as most have noticed. This is partially because of my health and partially because I am traveling a lot and spending time with my family.

As an aside, please don’t write a eulogy for me yet. I know you mean well, but you have no idea how this affects my family members as well as myself.

And Now For Something Completely Different

“What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.”
Cool Hand Luke

“Houston, we have a problem.”
Apollo 13

As the title suggests, I’m going to go off topic for this latest edition. Since being diagnosed, I have had many people try to give me words of comfort. I know they mean well but let me hit on a couple of things that have occurred to me about some of the more popular phrases I’ve heard.

“God won’t give you more than you can handle”
When you’re in the midst of battling a life threatening illness, this is not what you want to hear. Even though as a Christian I know this to be true, I had several times during my illness felt as if I couldn’t take anymore and I was ready to give up. When you hear this, the first thought is “easy for you to say. You aren’t going through this”. It just may not be the best thing to say at that time.

“Everything happens for a reason”
Absolutely right, but it doesn’t help that one of those reasons involves death. God doesn’t always decide to let everyone live. Sometimes the plan involves us continuing on to the promised land. Although Christians should be happy about entering the gates of Heaven, it doesn’t necessarily mean we want to go right away.

“We’re not promised tomorrow”
I have said this one myself many times. Recently I have begun to think more about this however. While it is true that we may not be promised tomorrow here on Earth, God has promised us tomorrow, either in Heaven or in Hell. Those of us who have accepted Christ as our Saviour are promised an eternity in Heaven. I look forward to that, just hopefully it will be a few years down the road. If any of you reading this have not accepted Christ, I challenge you to take the time to investigate it yourself. Don’t take my word for it. It is ultimately each individual’s decision to make. This is my personal beliefs and I’m not trying to force anything on anyone.

I hope I haven’t offended anyone. That was not my intent. Maybe there are some who disagree with what I have said. I am only speaking from my personal experience. I promise that on my next blog I will step down from my soapbox and get back to my usual cheery self dealing with the big C.

The Bright Side of Life

“I suppose it’s like the ticking crocodile, isn’t it? Time is chasing after all of us.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

“If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle – that’s the thing.

And…always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the light side of life…”
Monty Python

As most of you may know by now, my latest trip to Philly did not turn out as I had hoped it would. It did start out well though.

My wife and I arrived a day early so that we could do some sight seeing. This was the first real chance we had of getting to see Philadelphia since we began coming here for treatments. This was also the best I’ve felt since I began coming here. We spent all day walking and checking out some of the historic sights of Philly. The first couple of days we were able to see the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, Christ Church (where we sat in the same pews that once were occupied by George Washington, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, and Betsy Ross) and took a horse drawn carriage tour of Philly. We also ate at The City Tavern where Benjamin Franklin loved to eat. Very good food! We saw several different monuments as well as the famous “Rocky Balboa” statue. There is also a building that looks a lot like the building in the “Ghostbusters” movie. Every time I saw it I began humming music from the movie.

But alas, I eventually had to do what I came to Philly for. I went to the Center and had a PET scan done. We met with my oncologist to discuss the test. Some of my numbers were ok, but most were not. In my doctors words, “what we are doing is not working.” He decided to take me off the Avastin part of my chemo but continue the rest. He set me up to have an MRI and to meet with another doctor to discuss a possible third line of chemo type of treatment that involved radioactive beads injected directly into my liver. The doctor could only give me about a 50% chance of effectiveness. The side effects and the things that could possibly go wrong were not appealing at all. It was at this point that I decided that I would not have this new procedure nor would I continue to receive the chemo treatments I had been getting. Why continue something that isn’t working. That essentially ended any hope of curing this cancer with today’s modern medicine. We will continue to come to Philly once a month for blood work and to check on the progress of the disease.

I still hold out hope that my God will completely heal me and show the world that miracles still exist. In the meantime, Brenda and I have decided to do some things that we have always wanted to do. First stop is New York where we are visiting our surrogate daughter for a couple of days. After that I’ll have a meet up with some old high school friends before heading to Savannah to see our son and soon to be daughter in law. We may then head to Disney for a couple of days, just the two of us. I refuse to let this stop me from enjoying life and enjoying it with the people I love. I will laugh, I will love, and I will praise my God every day that I am alive, be it 5 days or 50 years. I hope you will do the same.
As Ferris Bueller once said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it”

Last Week, This Week, And The Week Ahead

Even if the doctor does not give you a year, even if he hesitates about a month, make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week.
Robert Louis Stevenson

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

Just a quick update on my last trip to Philly. My numbers were all back up but my doc decided to continue the chemo. I actually had my best week yet while on chemo. Only got mildly nauseous two days but was still able to eat and drink fluids. A pretty uneventful trip. That’s a good thing. My incision has finally begun to heal. I no longer feel any pain there.

My week after the chemo has been extremely good. There have been none of the usual side effects and I have been eating like a horse. If I keep this up I may have to start eating those “Lean Cuisine” meals. I have gained about ten pounds in the last month.

My next visit to Philly, I will have a PET scan done. This will show if the cancer looks any better or worse. After that the doctor will determine whether or not I continue my chemo treatments. I believe I will. I’m feeling better than I have since this whole thing began in October. I’m thanking God every day for the life and time He has given me.

Like I said, this is just a little update to let everyone know how I’m doing. I will have a new blog up soon. Until then, peace out my homies.

Finding Chemo

Marlin: If this is some kind of practical joke, it’s not funny, and I know funny. I’m a clownfish. (Finding Nemo)

I don’t know where to find a fairy godmother at this late hour.
Giselle (Enchanted)

My last scheduled appointment for chemo in Philly wound up being a mixed bag of nuts. I was supposed to go into the center, meet with the nurse, and then begin my three days of chemo. After meeting with the nurse, we decided to set up an appointment with the quality of life people (ER), the doctor, and the wound specialist (doctor Sal. If all doctors had his personality the world would be a much better place). My incision from my April operation just won’t heal (thanks doctor Crocket). Once everyone took a gander at my wound, the consensus was to stop the chemo and send me home with some anti-biotics and clean and dress the wound daily. They all believed it would heal from the inside. This was the first time that all my numbers took a positive turn so I was very disappointed that I was going to miss a chemo session.

We wound up leaving the very next day which turned out to be good seeing as how we had a engagement party to throw for our son that weekend and we were going to have a house full of people.

We did as the medical staff instructed with the incision. As Dr. Smith from the old tv show “Lost in Space” used to say, “Oh the pain, oh the pain.” After the second day we began to get worried. The incision had re-opened and was deeper. It looked like an inch deep hole in my stomach. We knew we were going to come back to Philly that following Monday for an evaluation on how the wound looked. If it was better, I could resume chemo. If it was worse, they would have to do surgery which would keep me from getting my chemo treatments for who knows how long. And just when things seemed to be getting better on the cancer front for once. Needless to say this would be a big setback.

Thankfully however, the wound began to close the next day and by the day after that it looked a lot better. We had the party (I wasn’t feeling too well but I made it through ok) and it turned out well. Everyone seemed to have a good time. We caught a plane to Philly on Monday, which as I’m writing this happens to be today, and after my blood work was done I saw the first of my medical team. Dr. Sal thought the incision looked much better and he believed I could resume my chemo treatments. Dr. Jensen agreed with Dr. Sal and so all that was needed for me to resume my treatments is to get the ok from my oncologist. Unfortunately he was booked up and can’t see me until Tuesday afternoon. So that’s where I stand as of this writing. Odds are I will get back on track tomorrow and won’t have to be searching for my missing chemo treatments anymore. Who would have ever thought I would look forward to getting back to those nauseating treatments.

The Changing Face Of Chemo

“Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for changes”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”
― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

The truth is you don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed.
Eminem

My trips to Philly seem to always be fraught with drama, be it dealing with a surgical wound that won’t heal or passing out on a bus. This latest trip however seemed to be devoid of such shenanigans….almost.

Our trip began early on Tuesday morning, and by early I mean the roosters would peck your eyes out if you woke them that early. Getting up at 4:30 am to catch a flight is not my idea of fun. Me and the roosters are simpatico on this. We arrived in Philly where we were taken from the airport straight to the cancer center where we stayed until we finally were able to go to our hotel around 8:00 pm. A very long day. The remaining days were non-eventful.

Now my chemo sessions have pretty much gone without incidents. There are a lot of side effects that can occur but so far I have been pretty fortunate. My hair has thinned out considerably but then I had so much to begin with that I still have a good bit left, although that could change at any moment, I still get tired after the four to five hour sessions and a little nausea can sometimes kick in. This time however, the chemo kicked my butt. I stayed nauseous the whole time I was in Philly. Thankfully the center has good drugs so I was able to somewhat manage the nausea. This third round also gave me a new side effect, acid reflux. I found that I could not stop hiccuping and belching. The belching was the worst especially at night. I had a couple of incidents that first evening after chemo that I will not go into detail here but needless to say it woke me up several times. The nurses at the center said that this can be a side effect of the drugs I’m taking sometimes. So now I take Pepsid to counter the reflux.

It amazes me how chemo’s side effects can change every session. Just because you don’t experience a certain side effect one week, doesn’t mean it won’t zap you the next week. Chemo kills everything, the good and the bad. The longer you are on it the more effects you can wind up experiencing. Unfortunately this is a necessary evil because of the things chemo can do to many forms of cancer. Many more people are surviving cancer than ever before. Those of us battling just wish some doctor could come up with a treatment that can be as effective as chemo with a lot less serious side effects.

On a good note, all of my numbers from my blood work are either better or stable, including those associated with my poor little liver. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

A Hole In One

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and snap! The job’s a game. –Mary Poppins

Do a good job. You don’t have to worry about the money. It will take care of itself. Just do your best work. –Walt Disney

Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!
Bill Murray (Caddyshack)

I do not golf. Not because I don’t like it. It’s because I am horrible at it. The last time I played I believe I shot a 90 on the first 9. I laid my clubs down and began taking pictures. Golf is a beautiful sport. Standing out on a beautifully landscaped course with the sun shining and a nice breeze…..very serene. Then you hit that first slice into the trees and everything changes.

My brother is a good golfer. He loves the game. A week ago he, with the help of my family, organized a benefit golf tournament and silent auction for my cause. It was an awesome thing to do and very humbling. I met people I haven’t seen in quite a while and some I had never met. They all talked about what an inspiration I have been to them. Very humbling. If they saw my golf game their tune might change.

We had a great turnout. 21 teams of 4 showed up for lunch, golf, and the silent auction. Woodfin Ridge golf course in Inman was beautiful. The staff was very helpful. There were quite a few good players there as well as some duffers. Everyone had a great time.

Afterwards a silent auction was held with some great prizes such as a guitar donated by “The Advice”, artwork, golf clubs, books, gift baskets, a Clemson and USC hand made wreath, and my favorite a Clemson football signed by the football staff including Dabo Swinney. I joked around that if no one bidded on it, I would put my name on it. The money would just be coming back to me anyway. Fortunately my cousin Eddie ( yes “Vacation” fans, I have a cousin Eddie) bought the football and then gave it to me. I have the best family. Thanks again cuz!

My niece Katie made lollipops that said lets lick cancer and she also created the bracelets ” Does This Cancer Make My Colon Look Fat Scott Land Benefit 2013″. She sold nearly 300 so far. Fantastic job Katie! Everyone did such a great job volunteering, donating, and playing. My thanks and prayers go out to anyone who was involved in this wonderful event. We raised over 12,000 dollars for our cause. Incredible!!! The outpouring of love and support just blew me away. We are truly blessed. I believe my brother is trying to plan some more events. Thank you all so much for a very blessed time. As bad as the cancer is, it has allowed me to connect with so many wonderful people. I feel truly blessed by this.

Maybe next year I will be healthy enough to hit the course myself. Watch out for the birdies ( I’m talking about real birdies. No telling how many I may accidentally kill).

An Unexpected Trip

“If you boil it down, just because someone else does the wrong thing we are not exempt from doing what’s right.”
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. –Rafiki (The Lion King)

Nothing about my latest trip to Philly went as expected. Probably not surprising to anyone who has followed my journey so far. We were planning on flying to Philly on that Monday arriving in the afternoon and starting my third round of chemo on Tuesday. I woke up Sunday morning and feeling ok other than my stomach still hurting. I got up and went to the bathroom and that’s when I discovered that there was blood all over my stomach. It appeared my wound was bleeding. More than a little scary. My wife cleaned me up as best she could and covered the wound with some gauze. We immediately decided we would not go to the emergency room here in Greenville. After all, the Greenville doctors are the ones who butchered me in the first place. My wife and sisters began to look for a flight out Sunday night. Unfortunately there was none to be found. We found a flight out of Charlotte very early Monday morning.

More scared than in pain, we flew to Philly and arrived early Monday morning. The center took me in and began doing blood work and giving me pain and nausea medicine through the IV. The tests showed no infection. I had no fever and wasn’t ill, just in pain. I had several doctors look at my wound. A lady from the surgical team checked me out and determined that the bleeding was coming from the wound from two spots, both of which were now open. I had two holes in my stomach from the incision that was made on April 9th.

Now the way the doc determined this was by sticking her finger and other things in the holes in my wound. She then cleaned out both wounds and put a bandage on me. That poking and prodding was some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I am convinced that all surgeons have a sadistic streak in them. They must go to a special school to learn there trade. Maybe something like “The School for Sadistic Surgeons”. No matter how much I squirmed and yelled, she hardly acknowledged me. I realize it had to be done but really, that was some painful stuff. The doc said I wouldn’t need surgery or antibiotics, we would have to clean the wound daily (aargh).

So after two and a half days in the center’s hospital, we were sent home on a late flight to Greenville on Wednesday night. No chemo was done so we will be heading back for that on Tuesday. Brenda cleans my wound daily and thankfully the pain gets a little less each day (but it still hurts like a booger). I have been walking a lot better and I was able to make to the first annual “Does This Cancer Make My Colon Look Fat” golf benefit for me and Brenda. I will be posting more about this next time. I feel like I’m getting better even if I’m not. And I don’t look too bad for someone who has inoperable stage IV colon cancer. It’s like what Billy Crystal’s “Fernando” character used to say on Saturday Night Live, “To look good, is to feel good”.

Back to Philly

“Why worry? If you’ve done the very best you can, worrying won’t make it any better”. –Walt Disney

“A day may come when the courage of men fails…..but it is not this day!”
Aragorn

“Like Sands through an hourglass, these are the days of our lives.”

My second trip to Philly did not go as well as I had hoped. On my first day of my 2nd chemo treatment in Philly, I was told by my oncologist that the blood work that the center had done on me prior to my seeing him, showed that all of my levels for my liver had gotten worse. In other words, the cancer in my liver was worse than it was on my last visit. Not a good sign. He also said that I was 0.4 away from having Jaundice. His exact quote after that was “I’m going to give you chemo anyway”. Now there is two things about these statements. One is that once you are considered jaundiced they will stop the chemo and no one else will treat me because it would be unethical due to the fact that the chemo didn’t work and there is nothing else anyone can do for me. Two is that the quote I attributed to him tells me he considered not giving me treatment number two. I am dangerously close to the point of no return.

Other than that the week went pretty much as expected (chemo, lack of appetite) until Thursday. Now surprisingly my anxiety level has ramped up since my diagnosis. Go figure, right? I take a drug called Ativan to help ease my anxiety. That particular morning I wasn’t feeling well. Probably partly because I was a little stressed because the previous evening I saw some blood in my colostomy bag (yeah, I’ve got one of those too. Cancer is so much fun). Even though everything was fine the next two times I checked, the damage was already done to my fragile psyche. So that morning I barely ate, hardly drank anything, and decided to take an Ativan before leaving for one last visit to the cancer center for the week. I wasn’t feeling well on the bus ride and just as we approached the entrance to the center I informed my wife that I felt as if I was either going to vomit or pass out. Guess which one I chose? That’s right kiddies, I chose the latter and was out before Brenda could answer me.

Apparently I was out for about 5 minutes. I have blacked out before but never for that long a period. Now this posed an interesting problem for the people at the cancer center as well as myself. We were seated about 6 rows back and I was sitting in the window seat. There was no easy way to get me off the bus as I was being uncooperative by being unconscious and not able to remove myself. I came two a couple of times and went back out. Scary moment for me but probably scarier for my wife. I remember opening my eyes at one point and seeing Brenda. She was telling someone that they would have to carry me off. I passed out again. The next time I awoke, I felt someone grabbing me under my arms and jerking me up and then someone else grabbing my legs. They carried me to the back of the bus and put me in a wheelchair and rolled me onto the platform and lowered me down. There must have been about 20 staff members out there. By this time I was pretty much awake but still unable to move or even keep my eyes opened. I heard someone keep telling me to open my eyes. They took me to their ICU and put me on a bed in a huge room. They pulled all of my clothes off (a pretty humiliating thing. I’m sure the 10 or so medical personnel got the worse end of that deal however) and began hooking things up to me and drawing out blood. They wound up doing an EKG, ultrasound, x-rays and I don’t know what else. All of this was done within a couple of hours and they told us the results of the tests within that same time frame. If we were back home in SC we would be in the hallway of the ER still waiting for a room after 8 hours. The tests all came back clear. What they determined was that the chemo had dehydrated me. That plus my high anxiety level and the Ativan I had taken had caused my blood pressure to dramatically drop. By this time I was feeling like my old self again. They loaded me up with fluids and kept me overnight just to be on the safe side.

The next day we were released. As I began walking towards the lobby to wait on our ride to the airport, I began to hurt around my right shoulder and in my stomach around my wound from my surgery. We determined that when I was lifted out, I must have pulled a muscle in those two areas. We made home. The pain in my shoulder eventually went away. I am still having issues with my stomach wound as I have off and on ever since my surgery. They may look a little deeper into that problem my next trip to Philly.

We’ve been home a week now and everything has been pretty good. My appetite is good, I’m drinking plenty of fluids, and I have been able to get out a few times. We will be going back to Philly for my third treatment on Monday. Here’s hoping for better news. It would be nice to hear some once in a while.

It’s A Disney Life For Me

I can’t help myself. I like good food, ok? –Remy (Ratatouille)

You know the thing about good food? It brings folks together from all walks of life. –James (Princess and the Frog)

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

It doesn’t take long once you know me to know that I am a HUGE Disney fan! I like everything Disney but my true passion is for the Walt Disney World theme park. I have been going there since they opened in October of 1971. I’ve gone there almost every single year and many times more than once a year. My wife and I have an annual pass so we try to get there as many times as we can afford. We have been twice since my cancer diagnosis, once in January and our latest trip that took place over a 12 day period just a couple of weeks ago in June.

Most of my peeps don’t understand my obsession with a certain theme park. Some have asked me, “There’s a several parks closer. What’s the difference?” We’ll, comparing Disney World to say a Carowinds, Six Flags, or Dollywood is like comparing cube steak to filet mignon. Cube steak is fine if that’s all you eat, but once you get a taste of the filet, you realize what you’ve been missing. (Not that there is anything wrong with the other parks or cube steak for that manner, but I think you catch my drift.)

After our sobering news from Philly about my condition, my wife decided we needed a trip to Disney. So she booked it for 12 days at Disney’s Boardwalk Resort beginning the day after we arrived home from Philly after my first chemo treatment there. I was feeling less than wonderful so I was a little apprehensive about the trip. I tend to have a tough time wanting anything to eat or drink after my treatments and that is the two most important things I need to do. We arrived home from Philly on a Tuesday evening and flew out for Orlando on a Wednesday morning. Now to say I hate flying and everything that goes with it is a vast understatement and here I am flying two days in a row while not feeling too spiffy.

We make it to Orlando without incident, and a good friend drove us to our hotel. We brought a wheelchair with us knowing that my lack of stamina would not allow me to walk the huge distances at WDW. It didn’t help me get on any rides any quicker, but we were always the first ones on the bus. My daughter and two grandsons (3 and a half and 8 months) were with us. Now some will say it is the magic of Disney, which may be a little true, but I believe it was more of God knowing what I needed and when I needed it, because I began eating and drinking right away. The entire 12 days I was there I ate well. By well I mean generously, not nutritionally. Still a big win.

We had a great time for two days and then the trip got even better as my mom, step-dad, dad, step-mom, niece, and all 5 of my siblings all came down for the weekend. The first time we have all been at Disney together in about 10 years. We had a great time posing for pics and experiencing Star Wars weekends at the Studios, Epcot, and the Magic Kingdom. Our entire trip was truly “Magical”.

The only setback I had was the area around my incision began to hurt again around Sunday. We believe it may have been aggravated by riding in the wheelchair too long. Still, all in all it was a great trip. We wound out leaving on a Sunday. We then flew to Philly on Monday. More flying. Geesh! My wife has come to the conclusion that we should go to Disney after every treatment. I would like it but I’m afraid our bank account couldn’t handle it.

I realize that this is a bit of a deviation from my usual blogs. Don’t worry. I’ll get back to the doom and gloom later. Right now though, I’m feeling good. Thank you God for giving me a happy place to go to.