“My Silent Fear”

Fear is a word that conjures up different images for each of us. For some, it may be an icy hand slipping out from under the bed grabbing your ankle as you’re climbing into bed. Perhaps it’s that moment you hear on the news that a killer is loose and has been sighted in your neighborhood and you are all alone. It’s the feeling that creeps up on you while you’re watching your newborn sleep and for an instance it appears that it’s not breathing. Or maybe it’s what you feel when the doctor comes in the room and tells you that you have inoperable cancer.

How do you handle fear? How do you respond to those moments and feelings when all you want to do is curl up and pretend it’s all a bad dream? Some use humor to diffuse the situation. Others rely on religion to overcome one of our strongest emotions.

I’ve just recently been confronted by that most loathsome of emotions again and although my sense of humor allows me to get the better of most any situation, I am human.

My latest PET scan shows a small improvement in my colon. That should be great news. They can remove your colon and you can still function. However that news was followed by the sobering news that the spots on my liver (which you cannot live without) seem to show no signs of improvement. The current treatments are maintaining my situation. At least it doesn’t seem to have gotten any worse, which is a positive. The docs recommendation is to continue treating it the way we have been and do another scan in about 3 months. The doctor tries to be optimistic, but he was disappointed in the results. This does not bode well for my future blogs.

Now granted this does not mean that I will turn belly up in a couple of months. The prognosis for most people in my situation would be fairly dim, however I am much younger than most people who are diagnosed with colon cancer and there is not enough research on people under the age of 50. So I do have a much better chance of hanging around longer than the average life span of those who have the same thing.

Still, that one certain emotion has a way of creeping up behind you and putting it’s icy fingers around your heart. Putting questions in your head like how long can I live with this? Will I get to see my grandchildren grow up? Will I be able to grow old with my wife as I had always hoped? Am I truly believing that God will heal me or is that just comforting words I keep telling myself? Now before anyone goes all Billy Graham on me, I am saved and I am a Christian although I may not be very good at it some days, but I strive to be better every day. And I truly believe that if I am to be healed from this, it will have to be God’s hand that does it, not the medicines that are being pumped into me everyday.

Fear can do some crazy things to your mental facilities if you give in to it. I refuse to let it get a good grip on me however. Love is also an emotion that is far stronger than fear could ever hope to be and I am surrounded by family and friends that demonstrate that emotion every day. I have many people that pray for me daily, some of which I have never met or even know, and I thank you all.

I choose not to fear any of those things right now. Every day is precious and I won’t waste time on what or when things may happen. Now if only I could do the same thing with my fear of heights.

Granny Wendy: So… your adventures are over.
Peter Banning: Oh, no. To live… to live would be an awfully big adventure.

The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible. –Charles (Alice in Wonderland)

“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

5 Responses to ““My Silent Fear””

  1. terahsampler Says:

    Love this. Love you.

  2. stephanie Says:

    Love & (((Hugs)))

  3. donna Ables Says:

    Love your post and we are all human and have those fears sometimes. Will continue to pray for your recovery and for you and Brenda to comfort and be there for each other through this trying time.

  4. Mary Raye Smith Says:

    I read all you’re blogs and am amazed each time I read them. When you do get well I think you should think about writing professionally, maybe even a children’s book for Judson!!! Still praying each day for you.

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